Geography Lesson

GEOGRAPHY LESSON

At this very moment, in the rugged mountain kingdom of Flagrance, King Avarice holds court, parceling out land, not of his kingdom, for a half share in the returns. Later today he'll write a new TV mini-series, and tonight he'll attend a gala ball for the Knights of Carrumba.
His idiot son, Prince Hereboy the Spoiled, spends long days atop the castle's old west tower eating ho-ho's and urinating from the battlements onto the peasants below. He picks his big fat nose and watches Nickelodeon on a portable TV.
Queen Heidi's silky amber hair is only 2 inches long but it covers her entire body. Sometimes she chases cars. God shave the Queen.
Across inhospitable waters the Sultan of Sham bestows upon each of his subjects a college degree in order to proclaim his kingdom the most highly educated on the continent.
One of his ministers, a certain Ali Ali Infree, is writing a new constitution and has used almost a whole roll of toilet paper already.
There are no prisons in Sham. All crimes, big and small, are punishable by death. Here, however, execution by beheading is prohibited, instead the guilty party's body is chopped off.
Princess Fone, one of the Sultan's twelve beautiful daughters, rides off on her pink pony on a quest to rescue an errant knight, Sir Dancelot, from the evil dragon, Nosehair.
The Emperor of Littlesex, Peter Negatori sits on a throne of styrofoam in the Great Hall of Hilarity located in Obtuse, the Sacred City of Stupidity. He is a kind and just ruler; kind of weird, just this side of sanity. His Highness had a moat dug deep and wide around his castle. When asked what should be used to fill the moat, the ruler replied, "Earth, of course."
The Obtusians are renown for their novelty industry. Their national defense force is a massive army of four million red-nosed clowns.
The Emperor Brüprecht the Small, of Pfeffurhaar, has negotiated an exclusive Ho-ho concession with Prince Hereboy of Flagrance. Famed for its vast Twinkie and Suzy-Q plantations, junk-food is Pfeffurhaar's leading industry.
Brüprecht's brother, Prince Lech ( a plumbing contractor ) has designed a porcelain moat for King Avarice.
There is no peasantry in Pfeffurhaar. Every subject is given a title at birth, making everyone in the kingdom royalty.
The Lord President of the Uncivilized Sellers of Hysterica, J.G. Stonefella XXIII, races his cigarette boat up the Potomac while negotiating legislation on a cellular phone and running his latest "little war" by radio. On another phone, he's playing chess with the Sultan of Sham and at the same time he's entertaining visiting dignitaries aboard his boat. This six term president and richest man in the universe is a mere 4 feet 11 in. tall but the most feared man in the free world. The man who controls the whole Western Hemisphere and polices the rest of the world. Stonefella is famous for his quotation, "The U.S.H. doesn't want to conquer the world, we just want to be able to do what ever we want." He has a weakness for women's clothing and methamphetamines.
The chief exports of the U.S.of H. are it's stunning special effects and a slovenly, violent youth culture.
On the tiny island of Flyspeck, almost in the middle of the Horrific Ocean, the Uh-huh culture thrives. Left to themselves for a millennium, they've never developed a society. There is no form of religion and no form of government on this island. Anthropologists believe this is the reason mental illness and crime are non-existent there. No foreigners are allowed on the island for more than a week at a time.
The famous Mt. Ewe-Oui, 14,280 ft. is composed almost entirely of guano. The Uh-huh have grown fabulously wealthy as the world's leading exporter of sea-bird guano fertilizer. Ironically agriculture is not practiced on Flyspeck.
In the tiny tropical country of Yehaah, twenty-five miles from the eastern coast of the Isthmus of Kadoogan, lies the ancient fortress city of Carbuncle, famed for its impressive views of the Horrific and the Gigantic oceans. Ruled by the same family for 700 years, their last monarch, King Hamfist XXXIII, died over a century ago but still rules 147 loyal subjects. The King of Kadoogan left a legacy of 14 top-10 albums that his subjects divine for guidance and sage advice.
The 147 remaining Yehaahs are the last remnants of the legendary cliff-divers. For centuries Yehaah was famous for their annual cliff-diving ritual. Each year thousands of people would gather in the Valley of Wails as 500 full-blooded Yehaahs ascended the tallest cliff in the land, 1350 ft. Mt. Arigniak. Before the cheering crowd below, 500 Yehaahs would dive off Mt. Arigniak, in perfect formation. Since there are not enough Yehaahs to perform the ritual, it is no longer practiced. They feel it should be done right or not at all.
In the land north of the river Phoenix, lies the matriarchy of Upper Pneumonia ruled by The Raging Queen. Her Magesticness the Queen Apnea drives a hard, long distance bargain with J.G. Stonefella XXIII over the controversial Eustachian Canal project.
As the Queen of Upper Pneumonia, she has legalized lying, repealed traffic speed laws and raised solitaire to the status of a national sport.
Pneumonia is renown for its fabulous Phallus Palace, in the mysterious city of Alacrity. The Queen's residence. The palace is off limits to outsiders and only women are allowed inside. It is reported to contain, among other treasures of erotica, 40,000 life-like golden phallic statues. The Phallus Palace has never been photographed.
The newly elected President of Panacea, Don Huevos Rancharitos del Chimichangas promises to balance his country's budget on his nose. He claims it can be done. He states that in order to get the economy going again, we will simply pay all the unemployed people to stay home and watch television, since that's what they're doing anyway.
Panacea has been a democratic-socialist-dictatorship for exactly seventeen days. There have been six elections, five revolutions and six coups. President Stonefella of the U.S.H. was overheard saying "I'd stop sending armaments to those hot-blooded beaners if they'd stop fighting."